Tug of War

What marriage felt like for the first
seven months, or so, of marriage...

I was lying there crying, thinking, "how on earth did we end up together? We are so different."

We had been married seven months and he was working on the Saabs (Swedish cars) every free moment he had. Where was I the whole time? Forced to do other things that weren't as fun as hanging out with Sam.


Before marriage, we talked in depth about how fun it would be to start cool hobbies together and explore. And going into marriage, my expectation was that we'd spend every free moment together -- there were no kids and no serious obligations. Adventures and time for fun would take precedence, naturally. But within the first three months of marriage, the Saab hobby became an obsession and the picture painted in my mind was not the picture I was staring at.

The constant tug of war between time and independence was exhausting. I couldn't help think, "Why did you marry me, if all you want to do is spend time with these cars?"

The encroaching feeling of loneliness and being forgotten and neglected were upon me. Along with wondering if I married someone who would never be able to relate to me, or truly understand me.

Luckily, those thoughts are far from my mind now. We've found the balance between life, marriage, and cars -- most of the time ;).

Today, I was thinking about how important it is to focus on commonalities, and this memory flashed into my mind. Seven months in, our focus was on differences, not commonalities. And really, how can you feel like you belong in a marriage or any kind of relationship when you can't find anything in common?

What I envisioned marriage would be like all the time

He was focused on how he loved and needed his time and independence to tinker on projects. I was focused on how I loved and needed time with him to go play and have fun. And alas it spurred more thoughts about how we were different, which led to, "how on earth did we end up together?" These thoughts were tearing us apart.

Now we focus on commonalities. We're a lot happier. Lesson learned, check.